One of the worst “games” ever to reach the top 10 on the App Store has received an update. We’re talking about Slender-Man, of course. Developer Rory Harvey alleges that the update includes added objectives, improved controls, and a performance increase. We booted up the game again and spent a good 20 minutes slogging through its pointless, boring, ugly world. In short, we detected none of the advertised improvements.
The controls are a little different now, but they’re certainly no better. The only change we noticed is that the left thumb stick is more awkwardly placed on the iPad. The camera movement is still as floaty as ever, and moving in a straight line is still nearly impossible.
Another change is that you now walk slower than before, giving your creepy pursuer a better chance to catch up with you as you sludge through the dark, boring environment, trying to figure out if there’s anything to do in the game except move at an excruciatingly lazy pace.
Which brings us to the “added objectives” the developer mentions in the update’s notes. After 20 minutes of exploring, we still found nothing in the environment to interact with. Nor is there a list of objectives anywhere to be found in the game.
If you have a single rational cell in your brain, please take our word for it: don’t pay money for this waste of disk space.
Let’s get this out of the way first: Slender-Man is abysmal. No matter what your circumstances are– even if you’re best friends with the developer– you should not waste your time or money on this game. Even calling Slender-Man a “game” is generous, because it lacks basic game-like qualities, such as goals, challenge, gameplay, and fun. It’s a tedious, awful experience from the moment you boot it up to the moment you quit out of sheer boredom.
Slender-Man, for those who aren’t aware, is an urban legend of the digital age. He’s a tall, thin, faceless man in a dark suit who shows up in (or is Photoshopped into) old photos, blending in with the background and looking creepy. You can learn all about him here.
Don’t be a creeper.
The game Slender-Man drops you in a forest at night. Two analog sticks let you move and look around, but they’re horribly unresponsive. There are no other buttons, so there’s nothing to do other than walk around. You can’t even run, so you’re stuck trudging slowly through a dark, boring, tree-filled environment.
Aside from some low-res septic tanks and blurry structures you can’t enter, somewhere in the forest is the titular Slender-Man. Stand still long enough, and he approaches you. He moves even slower than you do, however, so avoiding him is no heroic feat. If he gets close enough to you, the screen starts to go staticky. If he bumps into you, you freeze– meaning you can’t move away from him. But he doesn’t do anything to you except stand next to you. And now that you two are all buddy-buddy, you can’t move until you quit to the title screen. It’s not scary. It’s not challenging. It’s certainly not fun.
A trailer in the woods.
That’s the game. You move through an ugly environment to avoid a laughably slow villain. It ends when you give up trying to avoid him, or when you decide that doing just about anything else in the world would be a better use of your time. If you’re looking for a Halloween scare, check out our list of the scariest iOS games. Whatever you do, do not pay money for this awful, pointless, boring, ugly, sluggish, almost unplayable “game.”