Grind Review

We hated this game. Hated, hated, hated! Hated every second of the experience. We know there are shortcuts to take when you’re developing a game–ripping off ideas, poor graphics, etc.– but we never thought we’d see something this patently terrible on the App Store. There is nothing worthwhile about this game, and no fun to be had at all. It might seem like we’re out of line, but we assure you, we are not. You see, the 99 cent Grind is one of the worst games we’ve played yet on our iDevice.

In Grind, you skateboard for a fixed period of time in a square skate park. You are given the option of customizing your own version of the park, using a poorly executed editing feature. You might be tempted to use this, but you should not, as it is impossible to build a decent skate park. The controls are touch based: you hit the GO button to move, the up arrow to jump, and the numbers 1, 2 and 3 to do a trick. Turning is controlled via accelerometer. And it’s much, much worse to play than that sounds. Your skater is a pile of polygons with no relation to real-world physics, for whom landing a trick is like making a full-sized house out of toothpicks: a nearly impossible dream. Did you read the part just now where we mentioned how there were only three different trick buttons? Combined with the rotation you can achieve via turning you iDevice while in air, that gives you about four tricks to perform, which would be okay if they were executed well. Rest assured, they are not done well here.

So, the controls and gameplay are poorly done. The graphics–outside of a decent background sky–are abysmal. The music is terrible. The sound effects aren’t even average. There is no compelling story or reason to keep playing. The entire game is two minutes long. We’ll give Grind this, though: sometimes the really bad physics and graphics combine in ways that are hilarious, like the time we skated directly into a wall, and our guy appeared to have his head stuck in the wall and his legs kicked spasmodically as he dangled. That was a good few seconds.

McDonald’s has a dollar menu–a chicken sandwich, a sundae, things of that nature. The food quality is poor, the health value is negative, and so on, but it only costs three dollars. You should go spend your 99 cents at the Golden Arches… because even if the sated feeling lasts only few hours, and even if it hurts your stomach–heck, even if drop your food on the sidewalk–it’s a better use of your money than Grind is.

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