Cheap Shot: Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain!

How is it that Mike Huckabee jumped on the Chuck Norris comedy bandwagon for a political campaign years before a funny Chuck Norris game was ever released? Probably because, in his omniscience, Chuck Norris knew that Chuck Norris: Bring on the Pain! would suck. It doesn’t matter what you dress this neutered Double Dragon/ Metal Slug wannabe up in, the gameplay’s still clunky and often unsatisfying. Chuck deserves better.

We’re disappointed by the developer’s lack of vision for this title. The Chuck Norris Facts website created its own brand of comedy, but this game squanders it. Sure, you can do cool things like pick up cars and ride motorcycles off jumps, but the game never realizes the absurdist, over-exaggerated claims that birthed the website’s fame. We should be able to destroy the world multiple times in this game, then bring it back together with one bull snort through Chuck’s nose. We want to be able to roundhouse kick a horse so hard that it gains the ability to speak. We want to be able to eat three 72 ounce steaks in an hour and spend the first 45 minutes breaking chairs by flexing our buttocks.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.

Instead we’re burdened with gameplay that controls so poorly, most of its challenges come from getting Chuck to do simple things, like walk in a straight line or not get beaten up by girls. Now, even though it’s a given that no one can control Chuck Norris, that doesn’t mean that it needs to be in the game’s design philosophy. When the game does attempt a joke, the text flashes and disappears much too quickly to be read.

We do have to tip our Walker Texas Ranger hat to the option of taking a picture of a friend or boss to paste on top of the enemies’ heads. We also enjoyed the variety of challenges and locales such as the Vietnam-like jungle and dusty Texas. But we can’t shake the feeling that reading the occasional Chuck Norris fact from the website may be the most enjoyable part of the game. Unless you’re a guy who pops in The Delta Force multiple times a week, we suggest that you spend ten minutes on www.chucknorrisfacts.com instead of downloading this game.

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