Cheap Shot: Blend the Boss

My name’s Steve Palley, and I’m the Bossman here at STP. The Big Kahuna. El Jefe Maximo. I don’t take orders, I give em, and that’s just the way I like it. It’s the natural order of things.

But you know what? My fellow bosses and I don’t feel real safe right now. We’ll be living in fear until the party responsible for Blend the Boss–a sick individual who goes by the name Joe Cartoon–is hunted down and locked away forever.

I-Play ought to be ashamed of itself for publishing this unrepentant boss-hater’s murder factory! I had grave misgivings when a warning message popped up upon install, telling me that the game may not be appropriate for players under 17.

The streets will run red with the blood of the bourgeoisie!

Gee, ya think? How could catapulting a hapless boss into an outsized blender be deemed appropriate under any circumstances? Especially when you can “customize” him with a picture from your photo library?

Oh, sure, Joe Cartoon plays it off as a dopey little physics game. You shoot ducks flying across the screen by tapping on them. They turn into roasts and plummet to the ground, landing on a teeter-totter and flipping the unsuspecting boss airborne like a flapjack.

He might miss the blender entirely, or get stuck on the rim, requiring a little “nudge” on the accelerometer to ease him in. Then it’s boss puree and bonus points. There’s other stuff to shoot at, too, like pigs and gerbils.

Occasionally a gigantic, Godzilla-like boss rears up out of the background; after multiple shots, he turns into a deluge of blood. That’s worth 500 points. Achievements are offered up for stuff like launching the boss past the blender a certain number of times, or shooting him dead with your last bullet.

Har de freaking har, Mr. Cartoon. So funny we forgot to laugh.

Go ahead and blow 99 cents on Blend the Boss for a few minutes of laughs, if it’ll keep you from wanting to dynamite the office. The jollies won’t last long, though, and just see if you get that next promotion.

Editor’s Note: Cheap Shot is a new review feature where we pick a game that costs $.99 or $1.99 and give it the quick review treatment. While you won’t find a 1-4 score or our usual pros and cons, you will get a direct assessment of the game based on a one-hour playthrough. You’ll still find our full-length, regular reviews for other games.

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