Bouncer Boot Out Review

“Sorry, pal, you’re not on the list.”

Doubtless those words occasionally sting you when you try to enter the thumping, neon monsters that entertain society’s coolest bros on Saturday nights. How dare those meat walls who call themselves “bouncers” deny you access to their night clubs? And after you ironed out your most retro Super Mario Bros. shirt, and everything.

Sure, it hurts. But reverse the roles and become that aforementioned “wall of meat” for a minute. What if it was up to you to sort out the legit club-goers from the nerds, the hobos, and the riff-raff? Maybe after walking through Bouncer Boot Out in someone else’s big, big shoes, you’ll learn that bouncing takes commendable speed, memory, and precision.

GTFO, nerd.

In Bouncer Boot Out, you become a bouncer guarding the doors of several prestigious clubs. In each level, a parade of patrons streams into the club. Each lady and gentleman is a bit goofy-looking, but there are certain groups that must be denied entry, or else they’ll lame up the joint. Don’t worry if your physique is lacking; all you really need is a good strong finger for dragging away the undesirables and tossing them into oblivion.

At the beginning of a level, you’re given a visual clue on who gets booted, and who gets to enter. In time, those clues dissipate, and you’re expected to have committed the faces of the lamers to your memory. Every unworthy patron who’s booted earns you points; every unworthy patron who slips you by costs you points.

Each round is 90 seconds long. When the last second has counted down, your score is tallied up. Pre-determined scores earn you jobs in higher-end clubs, where the action gets even more frantic. Oh, and keep an eye out for children who skip the queue, slip into the club, and presumably drink the joint dry. If they get in, it’s an instant Game Over.

Nope, not on the list.

Bouncer Boot Out is very easy to learn and play, but you’ll start sweating in no time. There’s the memory game aspect, which takes concentration: Booting a valid club-goer deprives you of points, and letting in a lamewad deducts from your total. You can switch people in the queue, which lets you group and boot people for precious points. Sounds like an easy way to get ahead, but it’ll take all of your dexterity and concentration to keep tabs on the line while you frantically do your thing.

And then there’s the children, the damnable children. Above all else, they must not pass. Why are elementary school kids sauntering into clubs, anyway? What is wrong with parents today?

The iPhone knows its twitch gaming, and Bouncer Boot Out is a fine addition to the club, so to speak. The blank-eyed club-goers are humorous, and the thud-thud-thud of the background club music is strangely compelling. There is one major problem: The 3G’s tendency to hold on to a little more finger-grease on its screen than the 3GS or iPhone 4 makes Bouncer Boot Out very difficult to play on the 3G. That little bit of added friction seriously cuts down response time, and if you need anything on your side in this game, it’s response time.

There’s not a whole lot of depth to Bouncer Boot Out; it’ll keep you busy for a few minutes at a time, and you might decide not to return if you find the pace a bit too rapid for your liking. This might be your only opportunity to hang out with the upper crust, though, so if you love a good twitch challenge, put on your feather boa and go for it. Just don’t pet a socialite’s chihuahua. They’ve got teeth like snakes.

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