Armed and Gorgeous HD Review

Angry Birds and Cut The Rope may be the Mario and Sonic of iOS gaming, but where’s the Lara Croft? Every gaming platform needs at least one sexy heroine to appeal to older, lonelier male gamers. As Armed And Gorgeous reveals in a cinematic cutscene, Lara Croft is now just a skeleton, and a nameless demon woman with a similar body type wants to take her place.

Armed and Gorgeous HD is a simple beat ‘em up action game where you must survive a series of enemy attacks in stone dungeons. You’ll be swarmed by knights, riflemen, and pitchfork-wielding peasants, and you can fight them off with a combination of light and heavy attacks. You can’t jump or dash, but you can pick up enough rubber duckies to activate a screen-clearing special move.

The reason this game exists.

These rubber duckies are the bathtime playmates of the game’s main character, who is never given a name or any background. She’s attacked in the bath by thugs in the first level and has to fight in a towel, and from there she slowly adds more outfits and weapons to her repertoire. There’s one mocking reference to Lara Croft as an old skeleton, but at least Lara has a name, background story, and personality in addition to her physique.

Armed and Gorgeous would benefit from some back-story. The animated cutscenes offers teasing glimpses of the attractive main character, and introduce a handful of stock boss characters. The boss fights, which occur when you’ve beaten a level’s minions, are laughably simple. You can defeat each one just by running close to them, waiting for them to go into their attack animation, and smacking them once or twice while their back is turned.

You try fighting backwards in heels.

The only reason for buying Armed and Gorgeous is that it looks pretty good (so good, it only runs on iPhone 4, iPad 2, and up) and features a sexy main character. The combat is shallow, the levels are repetitive, and overall the game is very short. You can unlock alluring Kill Bill, Darth Vader, and baseball uniform outfits for 99 cents each, but we think these unlocks are just unnecessary eye candy. We’d rather see levels that require a bit more thought than mashing the attack buttons, or some dialogue that makes the main character into more than a pin-up model.

If you’re looking for a real action game, try elsewhere. The seductive devil in Armed and Gorgeous is, at best, a shallow fling without any long-term potential.

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