Friday Slide: The Dumbest Apps On My Phone

April Fools Day came and went without incident this year–I am still alive and I posses all my limbs. But every year, April’s premiere forces me to slow down and think about all the useless garbage that wastes my time from day to day.

Truth be told, I like dumb things. I like bad books, rotten fanfiction, stupid dogs that walk into walls, and YouTube Poop. And since acquiring my iPhone last fall, I’ve had unlimited access to some of the best games the platform has to offer, but that hasn’t stopped me from purposefully wallowing in a whole new kingdom of inane crap.

Offhand, I can think of two apps I should be ashamed of downloading. The first is iFart, the iPhone’s #1 go-to app for highschoolers who want to psychologically twist their teachers’ nerves until they break down and cry. iFart gives you access to recordings of dozens of different-sounding farts (because like snowflakes, no two farts are the same) at the push of a button. I truly hope the contributors are paid well for their work.

iFart Lite became available last month, but I actually dropped 99 cents on the app–and I did it almost before my stupid iPhone was even out of its box. See, my brother had an iPhone long before I did, and whenever I managed to swipe it from him, I would load up iFart and let ‘er rip, so to speak.

*frrrrt* “HA HA HA!” *pp–htt!* “A HA HA HA!”

I was the happiest five-year-old in the city of Toronto.

To be perfectly fair, iFart also boasts a lovely presentation. No, seriously. The app’s background graphic is the color of the sleaziest public washroom cubicle you’ve ever had the misfortune to occupy. Every fart name is written on a toilet paper roll, and each name describes each fart with the loving observation a parent usually reserves for their newborn child.

But even I get tired of farts after a little while (gasp!). Not long ago, I supplemented my long-running iFart adventure with my second half-baked choice, the “Trololo” app.

No doubt you’ve already been subjected to the “Trololo Guy,” the one human being on Earth whose name matches his job description. He vocalizes a Russian folk song in the most earnest way imaginable, making him a joy to watch after a few beers. The Trololo app lets you nail the guy with an earthquake as he sings, or you can put a funny hat on his head, or you can drop a chicken on him. It’s admittedly a cruel way to treat the guy, but hey. It’s a chicken, and it falls on his head. I’m sold.

I probably haven’t even plumbed the depths of the app store’s really depraved offerings. I like to take my journeys slowly and steadily. Thank you for sitting with me this day after April Fools and listening to my shame. I’m sure I’ll do even better next year.